


Burden no more

by Em3rald



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Eating Disorders, Fear, First work - Freeform, Flashbacks, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Keith (Voltron) Has Panic Attacks, M/M, Non sexual shower, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, Not too heavy, Panic Attacks, Pidge mentioned - Freeform, Pidge | Katie Holt-centric, Sadness, Self Harm, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Suicidal Thoughts, Vomiting, content warning, hunk mentioned - Freeform, klance, some clothes off towards the end but nothing sexual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23992567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Em3rald/pseuds/Em3rald
Summary: Lance is having trouble with cutting. Keith is here to help.
Relationships: Klance - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	1. Burden no more

**Author's Note:**

> A series of me dumping my mental illnesses into Voltron. I tried to proofread it as best I could.  
> PLEASE READ TAGS. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT SAFE. this is NOT meant to glorify mental illness. Please call 1-800-273-8255 if you are in danger.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Nothings wrong, just let me pick these up and I’ll be on my way.” Lance replied, chuckling weakly. He bent down and grabbed them up. They hadn’t spread far apart, except for one. As he reached to snatch it up, without him seeing, several drops of blood spattered to the floor.

Lance had always struggled, but not as bad as he did now. It was a bad day to start with, he had woken up bruised and a little bloody from his last fight with the Golra, and in top of that he had a nasty stomach ache, which prompted Hunk to make pregnancy jokes all breakfast, which, as Coran pointed out, was completely annoying. He had his ass kicked for no reason in the training room, and to top it all off, when he went back, Coran shut it off on level 5.

“My dear boy. You’re pushing yourself too hard.” The older man sighed as Lance groaned in frustration.

“Coran, please. I can do this. You don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry, Shiro has instructed me to. I believe he knows what is best for his own team.”

“I’ll be in my room.” Lance grumbled, marching down to the corridors. Great. Even Shiro thinks I can’t do it. I can’t do anything right. Stupid. Failure. Useless. Disaster. Trash. Ugly. Loveless. Scary. Horrible. The words haunted him as he walked desperately down the hall. He planned to lay down, rest. Escape the voices. Hide from the monsters. But they were insidious. Hiding in his dreams, his thoughts, the inside of the medicine cabinet. Hiding in wait for when he was so vulnerable, so weak, so depressed that he couldn’t fend them off. He couldn’t tell them that he was loved or wanted. He was alone, he couldn’t tell a soul. He was a burden. That word that screamed in his ear. BURDEN.

His sisters used to do his hair while he cried. They murmured and whispered that he was ok. He wasn’t a burden then. He was among family. They did it to each other, he did it to them, playing with curls and braids and whispering that it was ok, they were ok, they were family. Here, nobody was able to play with his hair. He’d never ask. He’d never dream of asking. It was better to rely on self alone. Lance guess that made him lonely, but did he really have a choice?

Worthless. Stupid. Ugly. Dumb. Jerk. Flirt. Lonely. Weak. BURDEN. BURDEN. BURDEN. That incessant voice in him chanted, making him walk faster. He practically stumbled through the door, tears already blinking through his eyes. He chomped on his fingers, then fell onto his bed and rolled in to a fetal position. It was like a drumbeat. Everyone hates you, dummy. It got louder, You look like a toad. Nobody wants to go near you. Louder still, You poison the air around you with negativity. That’s why everyone looks at you funny, that’s why they make you leave, go away. It was screaming, BURDEN. WASTE OF AIR. STUPID. DIE. DIE BURDEN. Lance cupped his hands over his ears, tears pouring down his face. 

“Stop- please. No more. No more. Stop stop stopstopstopstop STOP” Lance whimpered. He stumbled out of bed weakly. WEAKUSELESSMONSTERUNLOVEDNOBODYLIKESYOU- the words ran together in an alphabet soup of hatred and wrath.

Blurry-eyes with teardrops, he felt around for his blade. Frantically, desperately, he cut into his arm. Red tumbled down like rain. Again and again, till his arm was a mask of red. The voices slowed, murmuring. Weakweakweakweak- quiet now. Serenity.

Now for those band-aids. Or adhesive strips. Whatever Coran called them. He reached into the box. Empty. Damn. Almost on autopilot, he tossed on a jacket. Opaque, and the fabric wouldn’t let blood through. It was perfect. He wiped up his tears and walked out, not even thinking. His legs moved and he let them.

Arriving at the infirmary, he reached into the supply cabinets. “Where are they?” Lance muttered, his fingers poking around in the dark. Just when he found them, the lights flicked on, causing him to let the band-aids go soaring from his hands.

“Lance?” Keith asked, standing in the doorway.

“Keith?” Lance croaked, staring dumbly at him in panic.

“What are you doing up? Why are you getting all of these band-aids?” Keith was suspicious, and Lance knew it.

“I could ask you the same!”

“I’m just getting something to clean off some wounds I got in battle. Now answer my question.” Keith glowered.

Think fast think fast think fast “Ahh, well, I woke up and happened to notice a blister in my foot.” Lance said, smiling as stupidly as possible.

“8 band-aids for a blister?”

“I’m stocking up! You never know when you might need them!”

“What’s wrong Lance? You know I care about you, right?” Lance stood in silence for a moment, frantic. “Right?”

“Nothings wrong, just let me pick these up and I’ll be on my way.” Lance replied, chuckling weakly. He bent down and grabbed them up. They hadn’t spread far apart, except for one. As he reached to snatch it up, without him seeing, several drops of blood spattered to the floor.

“Lance.” Keith said, pointing to the red liquid sparking the floor.

“Uh-“

Keith took several steps toward him, away from the door. “Lance, let me see your arms.”

Lance couldn’t think. He didn’t. So he darted past Keith, and ran.

“Lance!” Keith cried, running after him. Lance was too quick. He flew into his room, locking the door and flying towards the bathroom, sobbing desperately. He ran water over his hands while Keith pounded on the door. Thank god nobody else’s rooms were close by. Nobody else could know. Lances mind swam with lies, that they were from the battle, it was an accident, anything. He threw the razors inside of a folded towel and curled up on the floor, hyperventilating and crying. The jacket was dying the tiles red with blood, and Lance was surrounded with it.

“Lance, I’m using the code. I have to know if you’re ok.” Keiths words rumbled distantly in his mind, slow, like syrup. Lance couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. He shook all over. Nononononono don’t come in nononono please please please his mind whimpered.

“Lance? Are you ok?” Keith asked, laying a hand on his shoulder. Lance shrunk away from the touch. “I’m not going to hurt you. You’re ok. It’s ok. Can you nod if you can hear me?”

Lance nodded, barely able to think.

“Good. Good. You’re doing great. Can you still hear me?” A nod. “Can you breathe with me?” Nod. “Ok. Breathe in, 1-2-3-4. Good job. Good job. Hold, 1-2-3-4-5-6, breathe out, 1-2-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. Good job, good job.” They did it a few more times, until Lance slowly calmed down.

“Can you nod if I can touch you, and shake your head if not? I don’t have to if you’re not comfortable. I’m just going to touch your back.” Lance nodded, and Keith began to trace words on his back. Lance didn’t know, but Keith did, and at least there was a chance that Lance’s subconscious would. He wrote words like Brave and Strong and Loved. Keith had fought the same battle that Lance was, so he knew. He knew how worthless and lonely and weak he must feel. He only hoped Lance didn’t feel like a burden. That was definitely the most dangerous feeling of all.

About an hour later, Lance had calmed down fully. Keith looked at him, who was still a bit teary. “Can I look at your arms? I just want to make sure they’re clean.” Lance whimpered and pulled his arms tight to his chest. “Please?” Keith asked quietly.

Lance always fell for Keith’s puppy-dog eyes. He hated it, but loved it. Lance averted his gaze and held out his scarred arm. He felt Keith hold it tenderly, prod at a few cuts.

“I’m going to put some antiseptic on. Do you have any?” Lance weakly pointed towards the cabinet. Keith pulled out the tube and began lightly applying it to Lances skin. After about 20 minutes of bandaging, Keith helped Lance back to bed.

“Don’t tell Shiro, please.” Lance begged.

“I have to. You’re putting yourself in danger, I- I can’t let you do it. I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Lance sighed, a single tear leaking from his eyes.

Suddenly, it hit Keith. Lance couldn’t be left alone. “I’m taking you into my room.”

“What?”

“I can’t leave you here.”

“But Keith-“

“No buts.” Keith said, scooping up Lance bridal style. His only response was a faint ‘mm’

Lance was placed lightly on the pillow, blankets tucked up around him. Keith pulled a few extra sleeping materials and made a temporary nest on the floor, in front of the doorway. Good luck, Lance.

“I really like you.” Lance mumbled from the bed.

“I like you too, Lance. I can’t let you hurt yourself.” 

“Th-thank you.” He sniffed.

The next morning, the two walked into breakfast together. Nobody batted an eye, thankfully. Pidge would never let them hear the end of it if she thought they were necking.

“Shiro?” Keith asked, shooting Lance a look.

A pang of anxiety shot through Lance. He thought he might vomit. 

“Yeah?” Shiro replied.

“Me and Lance need to talk to you.” Keith said.

“Everything ok?”

“Sort of. Can we head to the lounge?”

“Of course.” Shiro responded, looking concerned.

As they sat down in the lounge, Lance squirmed nervously. What if he’s mad? What if he kicks you off? I bet he hates you.

“What’s up, guys?” Shiro asked.

“Lance, can you show him?” Keith asked.

Lance felt dizzy as he rolled up his sleeves. He pushed them out towards Shiro, biting back tears.

Shiro took a sharp breath in. “Lance?”

“I- I” Lance stuttered, beginning to shake. He felt Keith’s strong arms around him as Keith explained last night.

“I’m sorry, I always j- just feel so worthless and like I d- don’t deserve anything in the world and I should just g- get it over with and d- die.” Sniffled Lance. “And I won’t d- die but I need to g- get all my thoughts away and so I… You know.”

“Cut.” Shiro finished.

“A- are you mad?”

“Of course not. I’m concerned, that’s all. Do you do this often?”

“Not really.”

“That’s good. Listen. If you ever feel like this, I want you to talk to Keith. Immediately. Actually, I don’t want you to. I order you to. I can’t let you get hurt. I love you.” Shiro said.

“I understand.”

A few nights later, the thoughts came back. USELESS HATED NOTHING BURDEN BURDEN.

He reached for the bathroom door, but remembered Shiro’s face. He stumbled out of the door, scratching and clawing at his skin. Keith was at the door almost immediately after Lance knocked.

“I can’t do it. I need to cut. I need it I need it I need it so bad please-“ Lance sobbed. Keith gathered him up in his arms, cooing and stroking his distraught lover.

Lance picked and scratched at his skin, Keith stopped his hands every time, stroking his back.

“One cut. Please I-“

“Punch me.” 

“Huh?”

“Hard as you can.”

“No I-“

“Lance. Please.”

Lance, softly at first, then harder, beat against Keith’s chest. Keith was unmoving, accepting Lance’s pain without a grimace. He could handle it, and handle it he did until he was all cried out.

“Did you hurt yourself any before you came?”

“Uhm, a little. I scratched pretty bad.”

“Where?”

“Everywhere.”

“In that case, I have to check everywhere.” Keith said, grabbing some antiseptic Shiro had given him from off the table.

“Should I take off my shirt?”

“Yeah. And roll up your boxers too. Just lay down flat.” Here’s doctor Keith, ready to see the hottest patient ever. Boy I hope nobody on this ship reads minds. 

Keith started, probing Lance’s skin and putting antiseptic on scratches all over his abs, legs, arms, neck, shoulders. The poor kid had done a number on himself.

Lance normally would have been uncomfortable, but under Keith’s watchful eyes, he felt safe. He felt even more safe when Keith laid next to him on the bed, arms around him, playing with his hair.

“I love you, Keith.”

“I love you too, Lance.”


	2. Help...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith couldn't answer, he just pulled his legs tighter to his chest. He didn't flinch when Lance draped his arms over Keith's shoulders, he just let his friend embrace him as he trembled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little shorter, but I hope you still enjoy it! Have a nice day/night.

“Listen, getting our heads in the game is essential.” Shiro announced. “I want you guys to be focusing on the Golra first. This is a time when we need to be putting our best foot forward.” The Paladins nodded, all seeming committed to the cause. Except for one. 

Keith couldn't stop worrying about the Red Lion. He had been struggling to connect with her the last few times they went flying. If they were trying to form Voltron or were in battle, Keith knew that it could be a disaster. A disaster that was all his fault.

As the people in the room dispersed, Keith headed to the training room. “Level 1.”. From there, it was like a song. Parry, block, block, lunge, parry, on and on forever. Tonight, Keith's mind wandered. He was blocking poorly, lunging weakly, parrying and getting hit. What's wrong with me? 

He marched angrily into his room, throwing himself on the bed with a grunt. As he closed his eyes, all he could see was Golra fighters swarming the ship, firing away. He needed to get into his Lion, but he couldn't. It was locked out, the energy field refusing to let him inside. The rest of the Paladins called his name, he listened to their shouts as he begged Red to let him in. He threw himself at the field, pleading with the Lion. She wouldn't budge. He was not the Red Paladin of Voltron. He had been tossed aside. Pidge screamed his name as their Lion was gunned down. They all desperately cried out for him. He couldn't be there, he was useless, helpless. He couldn't save them.

He was keeled over on the floor when he opened his eyes, crying and shaking. Visions flooded his mind, visions of Lance being torn away, Shiro blaming him for the loss, Hunk refusing to speak to him. He walked down a long purple hallway, and saw Pidge being forced to make machines for the Golra, Shiro having both his arms replaced, Hunk fighting in the arena, Lance being dragged brutally down a hallway, Zarkon’s laughter poisoning the air, until the sound of the door opening stopped it. He was just numb and terrified.

“Keith, Keith. Are you ok?” Lance asked frantically, dropping on the ground next to the crying boy.

Keith couldn't answer, he just pulled his legs tighter to his chest. He didn't flinch when Lance draped his arms over Keith's shoulders, he just let his friend embrace him as he trembled.

“Ok, let's take a big breath in… And out. In… And out. Good job, you're doing great. Just focus on your breathing. In… And out. In… And out.”

Keith slowly let his panic fade away. It's not real. Nobody got hurt. They might. What if they do? What if-

“Just go in… And out. You're doing so well. In… And out.”

After a little bit, Keith was able to speak again. “Thanks Lance.”

“Of course, Keith. Are you doing ok?”

“Yeah, I'm just stressed about my Lion. We're having trouble connecting.”

“You should ask Allura about it.”

“I don't really want her to know I'm…”

“You're what?”

“Weak I guess. I just can't connect to my Lion for no reason. I'm just losing my touch.”

“Oh Keith,” Lance whispered, hugging him closer, “that doesn't mean you're weak. It just means that you're having a little bit of trouble. Is something else on your mind that's distracting you?”

“I… Don't know.”

“You still have a few days before we attack, maybe try to think about it. Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?”

“Sure.” Keith smiled.

The two of them curled up on Lance's bed together, Lance playing with Keith's hair. “Sweet dreams, Mullet.”

“Sweet dreams, lover boy Lance.” Keith giggled.

The next morning, they walked to breakfast together.

“Walking together again. You guys have been doing that a lot lately…” Pidge smirked, sliding their glasses down.

“So do- Hunk and the mice!” Keith stammered, his face red.

“Damn, you caught me.” Hunk sighed before breaking out in a fit of laughter.

“There's nothing happening, despite whatever you're thinking, Pidge.” Lance replied, rolling his eyes.

Pidge raised their eyebrows with a snort, before diving back into their tech.

“Me and the mice. Good one, Keith.” Chuckled Hunk, turning to help Pidge.

The day before their raid on planet Cior, Keith had still not connected to his Lion. As he sat on his bedroom floor, he felt nauseous and stressed. All of his fears became vividly real in his mind. He watched again as they were captured by Golra soldiers, he was kicked and punched, it felt so real. He realised, somewhere deep in his mind that he was kicking and punching himself, nearly convulsing on the floor, shaking and stabbing at the air. The Golra soldier whispered in his ear ‘Failure. Now look what you've done.’ Keith squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to look, but he still saw it, his friends tossed in a cell as they were humiliated and kicked and spit on. Lance was nowhere to be seen. What was happening to him? Help… was the last thing Keith thought before he collapsed on the ground. 

Lance pushed open the door right after Keith's body gave up. Keith stared at him blankly while tears still dribbled down his face.

“Are you ok? Do you need first aid?” Lance frantically cried, dropping down next to Keith.

“I'm- I'm ok. Just…” Keith groaned.

“You're covered in bruises! What happened?”

“I panicked… Couldn't control it… Thought it was a Golra.”

“Let me grab that bruise helper cream.” Lance ran into the bathroom, pulling a white jar from the medicine cabinet.

Lance slowly moved the cold cream over Keith's skin, soothing the bruises that dotted his body. “Does that help?”

“Yeah.” Keith mumbled, shivering at Lance's cold hand rubbing against his chest. As Lance moved over Kieth's body, he realized what was on his mind.

“Lance?”

“Yeah?”

“I know what's holding me back.”

“Oh, great!”

“It's you.” Keith gripped onto Lance's fingers. “Will you- will you be my boyfriend?”

“Yes! Always, Keith.” Lance grinned, melting Keith's heart.

Keith wondered how Red was feeling. After Lance was asleep, Keith tried to creep out of bed. However, he was stopped by Lance's sleeping arms wrapping tight around him. Keith figured that Red’s faint growl was a signal to stay under the warm covers, and he wasn't about to argue.

The next day, as Keith pulled on Red’s controls, it hummed to life immediately. His energies were aligned, his neurons fired in sync with Red, whatever you want to call it. All he knew what that he and Red were one, and he and Lance were too.


	3. Fly Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pidge didn’t eat. They had Hunk’s cookies, but that was it. They didn’t sleep. They didn’t think. It was all a blur. Winter wrens live in coniferous forests western kingbirds have bright yellow bellies terns fly with undulating flight orioles are related to blackbirds-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a tad short, but forgive me :3. I felt bad making Pidge suffer, which is why Shiro is next! Muahahaha
> 
> This is far from my best work, I frankly am not super proud of it, but hey I tried.
> 
> Thanks to my friend for convincing me to write :3
> 
> There’s a little bit of blood, and a shower scene that’s not sexy.

“I'm sorry the lead on your brother didn't work out, Pidge.” Hunk said, giving their arm a squeeze.

“Thanks Hunk.” Pidge sighed. “I think I'm going to hang out in my room. Quiet time.”

“I'll keep people out.” Hunk smiled, heading off towards the kitchen. “Can I bring you some cookies when I finish them?”

“I'm not going to say no to that one.”

Pidge barely registered the emotional devastation that had just rocked through them. Their biggest lead to Matt was a dead end. They opened up their computer, it’s translucent screen blaring orange. They pulled open a book. Any book. Anything.

“Birds Of Earth.” Pidge read aloud. They began to read. An hour later, Hunk came back in with a tall stack of cookies. 

“Hey Pidgy! I got you some snacks!”

Pidges glasses were practically glowing as they turned around. “ Hey, did you know that cormorants can swallow fish and eels thicker their own throats!”

“No I didn’t! That’s pretty cool. Have fun!” Hunk chuckled as he turned away. He was concerned for Pidge. Matt to birds was an awfully quick turnaround.

Pidge had read multiple essays on the Magnificent Frigatebird, watched 6 videos on the homes of Cliff Swallows, and a short documentary about Albatrosses by the time Hunk checked on them again.

“Do you want to eat dinner?”

“I don’t think I will. The Purple Gallinules are so fascinating!”

“Pidge, you have to eat.” Hunk said, concern written all over his face.

“I will later! I promise.”

“You’d better, you’ll get sick.”

Pidge didn’t eat. They had Hunk’s cookies, but that was it. They didn’t sleep. They didn’t think. It was all a blur. Winter wrens live in coniferous forests western kingbirds have bright yellow bellies terns fly with undulating flight orioles are related to blackbirds-

Pidge suddenly noticed they weren't feeling anything. It was just absorbing information. They had no emotions.

“Pidge?”

“Oh hey, Shiro.”

“What are you up to?”

“Just learning about Birds.”

“Why?”

“They’re fascinating!” 

“Hunk is concerned that you haven’t eaten.”

“I ate last night!” Pidge bristled.

“Good. Can you come to breakfast?”

“I-“

“Pidge, you need something to eat.”

“Oh fine.”

As soon as Pidge saw Lance give them a look of sympathy, they remembered. Matt. As soon as nobody was looking, they hurried into their room, tears dripping down their cheeks. They played an audio clip of a warbler’s call.

“Pidge? Are you in there?”

Shit. Pidge attempted to make a beeline for their bathroom but only got to the door before Hunk came in.

“Hey! I was just heading back now!” Pidge smiled.

“Uh… why is the computer on?” Hunk asked.

Double shit. “Oh! I guess I just forgot to turn it off. Oops.”

“Are you ok?” Hunk asked, putting a hand on their tiny shoulder.

“I mean, I’m fine.”

“Listen, your brother…”

“It’s ok. I know he’s alive. We’ll find him.”

“Pidge, you’re not acting like yourself. Me and Shiro are concerned.”

“Don’t be! I’m… fine.” Pidge smiled.

As the day ticked by, Pidge didn’t shower, eat, rest, stretch. Their only focus was on birds. They were 15 pages deep in an academic essay when Shiro barged into their room.

“Can I help you with something?” Pidge asked, barely looking over.

“Pidge, I think you need to take a shower.”

“Uh… what.” Pidge turned in their chair at that.

“I know you haven’t showered since the battle.”

“How?”

“Well, I don’t actually know, but due to my intimidating nature I thought you would confess.”

“Good trick. Didn’t you say you were going to leave?”

“That’s the Pidge I love. Now go clean up.”

Pidge grumbled, but dragged themself in the shower. As the water ran over them, they remembered. Matt. they fell to their knees, unconsciously biting at their lips and tongue. Why? Why did they lose him, why was he gone? Why has he ever been captured by the stupid Golra? Why did he ever gone on that dumb mission? Blood dribbled down their chin as they sobbed, bile churning in their stomach.

All Pidge could see was water. A little bit of red. Maybe brown. Mostly just empty white. They laid down in the shower and stared up. The water stung their eyes, but they weren’t trying to see anyway.

“I hate everything. I hate myself. I hate feeling so numb. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate that my brother is still gone. I hate that I got my hopes so high up. I hate existing. I want to exist, but I hate it.”

They felt the wounds slowly stop bleeding, their stomach stopped hurting. They turned off the water and dreamed about just being able to fly the lion away. Find Matt. Be happy. But they weren't happy, it was no use.

After a while, Pidge pulled themself out. They spent the rest of the night laying on their bed, staring into empty space. Contemplating every mystery the universe had to offer, like why they weren’t hungry or tired. Maybe they existed in a version of reality where nobody needed food or sleep. Probably not. Maybe.

The next morning, Pidge walked out of bed. They walked down the halls. They saw Keith. 

“Hi Keith.”

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah?”

“Pidge can you hear me?”

“What.”

“Pidge!” Pidge watched as the world went sharply black.

“We don’t want to *????* unless necessary.”

“They haven’t slept in 2 days! Of *????????*.”

“Hey.” Pidge croaked.

“PIDGE!”

“Are you ok?”

“Uhh, define ok.” Grumbled Pidge. “I’ve got a pounding headache and I can hardly see.”

“They’re back!” Hunk cried, throwing his arms around Pidge.

“Hey, do you remember me holding you in my arms?” Keith asked later.

“Probably not, based on the fact I was very clearly conked out.” Pidge replied with a glare.

“Damn, I really have a bad track record with that.”

“Hey Pidge, can I talk to you?”

“Yeah?” Pidge answered, slowing to Shiro’s pace so they could walk together.

“Listen. If you’re feeling as bad as you were the last few days, you can talk to me anytime. I’m always here.”

“Thanks. Did you know that the Northern Mockingbird doesn’t migrate?”

“Well, I hope you don’t either. When you find your brother, which you will, I hope you know that you can bring him back here. We’re a family. All of us.”

“Thanks Shiro. I- I needed that.”

“I’m always here.” He said as he gave his friend a nice, big hug. He gestured to Hunk to join, and soon, all the Paladin’s arms were around Pidge.

They were a family. Just like a bunch of chickadees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagined Pidge when she was stumbling down the hall and Keith was talking to her to be her just standing there all wobbly and passing out. My friend did that to me once 0.0
> 
> Kudos are appreciated as they validate my existence


	4. Seeing Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro choked as he saw Keith’s dark eyes staring down at him. “You shouldn’t have seen me like this.” He groaned as he tried to sit up. He was too weak as he crumpled back down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR EATING DISORDER TW!!
> 
> Sorry for the wait, Ive been procrastinating :/

Shiro figured that it was because of the foreign object in his body. His arm. That must be why he did it.

He couldn't remove his arm, so he removed the food from his body. Not often, but it happened. It stunk and he felt guilty. Yet, he did it.

Some days were worse. Lance had been self harming without Shiro ever noticing. Matt had slipped through their fingers again. His metal arm had been hurting, but he was afraid to tell anyone. He couldn't show weakness. At least it felt like he couldn't.

Shiro was proud of himself. It had been two weeks since his last purge. Usually it was a weekly occurrence. He knew it wouldn't last.

“Wouldn't it be easier to make it a graphic?” Pidge asked Hunk as he passed them a sheet of paper.

“I guess, but on here you can memorize plans and schematics really quickly by doing the act of drawing it out, so it's easier for me.”

“Oh, that makes sense. It's sort of like when a hypo-clarificator is connected to some Drypopyoline acid!”

“Exactly!” Hunk cheered.

“Can I see?” asked Lance.

“Sure!” Hunk said, passing the sheet of paper over to the opposite side of the table.

“This is cool! I don't understand it but it's very detailed. Do you want to see, Shiro?”

“Of course.”

Lance got a slight slit on his finger. “Damn! Paper cut.” He squeezed on his finger, a slight dribble of blood pouring out. “Sweet relief.” He joked.

“Lance!” Keith chided.

Oh God. Shiro got hit with a wave of guilt. He choked out a “good job, Hunk” before excusing himself. He stumbled to the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet, until he was free. Halfway through a gag he heard a knock.

“Shiro? Are you sick?” Lance's voice called from outside of the door.

“Um… I guess.” Shiro felt slow, dumb, it was hard to react.

“Can we come in?”

We? Goddamnit.

“I guess.” Shiro called. He couldn't hold it in any longer, gagging as the door opened.

“Aww, Shiro. Are you ok?” Keith asked. So that was ‘we’.

“I'm fine. Just let me clean up…” Shiro slowly pushed himself up. He looked at Lance, seeing his finger. His head pounded as he dropped back to the floor. “Damn. A little dizzy.” Keith helped him up.

“You should rest.” Lance said, opening the door to the hallway.

“We’ll get you back to your room.” Keith offered as they walked him there.

“It’s ok. I think I just caught a little something. Space cold.” Shiro laid down on his bed, his brain still feeling like soup.

“We’ll come back soon.” Lance sighed, tucking Shiro’s hair behind his ear. 

As soon as they left, Shiro stumbled into his bathroom. He barely even saw himself as he let bile spill out of his mouth, getting all of his insecurities and shames out along with his food.

It tasted nasty in his mouth, but he hardly noticed. All he could see was the blood squirting from Lance's finger. His scar-stained arm. His tears as he told his darkest secrets. Poor Lance. How could he have failed him like this. He was so young. Shiro could have helped. He was a failure.

He heard footsteps coming from down the hall. He flushed the toilet, scrambling to his bed. He had just laid down again when Lance came back in, this time with Coran.

Shit. If anyone was going to blow his cover it was Coran. This wasn't fair. He was such a hypocrite. All he wanted was Lance to be healthy, not to destroy himself, so to cope with that he destroyed himself. 

“Alright now, let me scan you.” Coran pulled out a large rectangle, passing it over Shiro’s body. “The scanner didn't find anything. Are you feeling stressed?”

“A little, I suppose.” Shiro offered. Anything to lead them away from the truth. “I've felt it my whole life, it might just be a flare-up.”

“Well, let's see how you feel in the morning.” Coran offered.

“Sounds good.” Shiro sighed with relief.

He slept fitfully, tasting bile on his tongue. In the morning, he pulled himself up, putting his shoulders back and manufacturing as easy a gait as he could.

“What's up, guys.” He smiled.

“Hey Shiro, good to see you back.” Pidge grinned, pushing their glasses down. 

“Thanks. Now, let's get to work”

A few nights later, Shiro found himself in trouble again.

He watched from as his past self stood in the arena. He saw himself pull his arm out, ready for war. The other warrior was too strong. He was snapped back into his body as he was pinned down. He was pinned down again while Golra surgeons sawed into his arm. Pinned down as he was punched in the face by his childhood bully. His arms held behind his back as his only friend on the Golra ship was torn away to a prison camp. His arms held behind his back as he was tied to a post and left alone, his throat raw from screaming. His arms twisted as he was in the arena again. The witch laughed as she twisted his arm up behind his head. Cold knees as he stuck his fingers up his throat at age 13. Cold knees again. Again. Now? Now.

He felt bile seep from his throat. Sweat poured down his face. He would never be pinned down again. Never. Never.

He purged for three days straight before anyone noticed. 

Shiro watched from a distance as he was dragged into the witch’s lab. He saw her eyes as she laughed. He saw the eyes of Lance as he tossed his scarred arms toward him. His bleeding fingers. His bleeding leg as the alien jumped on top of him. His arm was sliced into by the Golra. Lance’s sliced up arms. Lance’s tears. His tears. Cold knees again.

Even as it happened, he still saw the visions. Armless. Saws. Battle. Tractor beams. Lance. Arms. Tears. Matt. Matt’s face. Golra. Feet walking into the room. Fingers in his throat. Tears.

“Shiro!” Someone said, it fading into a whirlpool of memories. Golra ships pulled him up. Someone pulled his arm away. Metal. Cold. It felt like life as he knew it was being chopped up thin like a kitchen knife.

He collapsed on the floor, distantly feeling like someone was stroking his face. Life slowed. He opened his eyes and gasped. It was only now that he truly realized someone was there.

Keith had heard the gags when he was walking back from training. The door wasn’t locked, so he had decided to make sure Shiro was ok. He never expected to see a sobbing Shiro shaking, his arm down his throat.

“Shiro!” He had said, pulling his arm out, holding him for a few seconds before every muscle in his body collapsed, hitting the floor. Keith had stroked Shiro’s face as the realization of what Shiro was going through hit him.

Shiro choked as he saw Keith’s dark eyes staring down at him. “You shouldn’t have seen me like this.” He groaned as he tried to sit up. He was too weak as he crumpled back down.

“Shh. I’m glad I did.” Keith whispered, running his fingers through Shiro’s hair.

“I- I think I should get back to bed. You should too.”

“No chance. Do you need to sleep, or should I take you to the Med bay.”

“I’ll go to bed.” Shiro pushed himself up, Keith tried to help him, but Shiro struggled to get up on his own, attempting to salvage whatever was left of his dignity.

Shiro made it to the bedside before he fell backwards into Keith’s arms.

As Shiro woke up, he saw a light shining down on him. He was laying on a hard surface.

Golra.

He panicked, thrashing and panting. Something pushed him back, pinning him down. Pinning him down. Nononono he couldn't wouldn't be pinned down. He kicked. Punched. Spit. His bloodshot eyes soared open. Someone (Keith? Golra?) stood above him, saying something.

“Let me go!” Shiro roared. “I'll never let your witch get me again!” He would fight them. Destroy them.

“Shiro, I'm not going to hurt you.” A voice called from the dark. Keith?

His eyes darted around as things returned to focus. He wasn't in the Golra ship. Keith was holding him down. He was safe. He was ok. There was no witch.

“Shiro. Just breathe.” Keith said, chanting some meaningless numbers. Something was on his arm. Others were there. Coran and Allura.

“They're nutrients.” Keith's voice said, seeing him look at the patches on his arm.

“Oh.” He mumbled. After a while, he was able to think clearly.

“Can you tell us what’s going on? We need to know how we can help.” Allura asked, looking nervous.

It all spilled out. Lance, his flashbacks, Matt. Keith rubbed his head as he sobbed out his darkest secrets. How bad of a leader he felt like. How everything reminded him of his failures. The Golra. As he finished, he realized he felt better. Keeping things inside was so horrible.

“Please don't tell Lance. I don't want him to feel like it's his fault. It's me.”

“Why don't you explain it to him?” Coran offered.

“I… I guess.” 

After talking for a while longer, Keith helped Shiro walk back to his bed for some rest. As he walked out of the door, the rest of the team was there, waiting anxiously.

“Shiro!” They exclaimed, running forward to hug him.

“I'm so sorry Shiro. I would have never made that joke if I knew…” Lance sniffled.

“Lance, it's ok. Don't feel bad.” Shiro replied, giving Lance's hand a squeeze of comfort. “Wait…”

“Please don't be mad, but we might have accidentally heard everything.” Hunk awkwardly muttered, arms around Shiro.

Shiro didn't care. He was ok. He could show weakness. He was loved, and his family loved him.


End file.
